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Mag lagay kayo kung gusto niyo. (English) For all the people who posted the jokes I have 1 thing to say LOL HAHAHAHAHA. (Tagalog) Para po sa lahat na nag post ng mga jokes isa lang po ang masasabi ko LOL HAHAHAHAHA
WARNING MGA CORNY JOKE PO TOH
joke 1:
Magsasaka:Hayop ka!! ginawa mo lng ako tagatingin sa farm mo....di na nga tumaas ung sahod ko eh.....pag namatay ako cnu mag papakain ng pamilya ko?ikaw?
Amo: Speak in English..baka taasan ko sahod mo
Magsasaka:Animal u!!u made me manman in the farm...my salary did not climb...if i die who will eat my family?you?
joke 2: Contains bad words(tagalog bad words) PG13
Anak-A
tatay-T
T:Anak bilan mo nga ako ng softdrinks
A:Coke o Pepsi
T:Coke
A:Sakto o 1.5
T:Sakto
A:Malamig o hindi
T:Malamig
A:Plastic o can
T:Punyeta Tubig na nga lng
A:Mineral o hindi
T:Papatayin kita
A:sasaksakin o babarilin
T:sasaksakin
A:sa pwet o sa leeg
T:hayop
A:baka o baboy
T:peste
A:daga o ipis
T:tarantado
A:ako o ikaw
Joke 3:
Nagkaroon ng trouble ang airplane at magka-crash landing kaya't sabi ng piloto "Fasten your seat belt".
Isang babae nag-panic at nagsisigaw, "Ako'y babae, nais kong maranasan ang dapat maranasan ng isang babae bago bumagsak ang eroplanong ito! Mayroon ba sa iyong magpapatunay na ako'y babae?"
Tingin ang mga kelot at kinilatis ang babae. Medyo may edad at medyo di maganda. Walang nag-volunteer.
Sigaw ng babae: "Maawa na kayo, patunayan ninyong ako'y babae!"
"Ako!" sigaw ng isang pogi, malaki at bato-batong lalake habang ina-alis niya ang butones ng kanyang polo.
Nanginig ang babae habang lumalapit ang kelot sa kanya.
Tahimik ang lahat...
Matapos mahubad ng lalake ang kanyang pantaas ay nagsalita ito, "Babae, ito damit ko labhan mo!"
Joke 4
1. may sa2bihin sana q sau…..bsahain m muna number 5
2. nagma2daLi k b?! read number 8
3.cUrious k nOh? read number 9
4.uu na..maLa2man m n sa su2nod....u betta read number 15
5.sandali lng.....just read number 17
6.gus2 q n tLgang sabihin sau..but u should read number 16
7.sa2bihin q na...perO bsahin m muna number 2
8.simpLe Lng tOh...just read number 4
9.oo n e2 na..wag knang kbahan..jus read number 18
10.di pA.....but read number 19
11.napa2god k n b? relax...just read number 13
12.tuLad ng cnasabi q.....read number 3
13.malap8 n tlga....read number 20
14. Just dropped by 2 say HI THERE, comment nman.=] x
15.knakabahan k n ata eE....just read number 6
16.d m pb aLam? just read number 12
17.nkuh.,kainis nman....read number 7
18.pEro di cu lam kng maiintndhan m sa2bihin q e....just read number 10
19. basahin m n number 11...slowly...and u'll find out
20.sa2bihin q n nga....read number 14...☺
Joke 5
PaRa Sa MGa NaGBabaGang
BaLIta.......
NgaYOn NASuSuNog Na!!!!!
*dalawang kalbo,nag-sabunutan.
* Capt. Hook dumaan sa Quiapo,
pinirata!!
* Palaisdaan, nasunog!!
* Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!!
* Bakla sumali sa away, napasubo!!
* Unanong madre, napagkamalang
penguin!!
* Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ang
paningin!!
* Iceman nanood ng porno, nag-init!!
* Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!!
* Teacher nagkamali, tinuruan ng
leksyon!!
* Lolo naakusahang nang-rape, pero sa
korte....biktima ayaw tumayo!!
* Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng
pasahero namatay
sabi
ng mga survivor!!
* Basurero nagsampa ng kaso,
binasura!!
* Dahil may reklamo, eskwelahan ng
mga bingi
nag-noise barrage!!
* Tubero, nagka-tulo!!
* Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo,
inaalam pa
kung buhay!!
* Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw
paniwalaan!!
* Misis ng photographer, nakunan!!
* Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!!
* Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!
From jempril
boy: chocolate kba?
girl: iiihhh,banat ba yan?
boy: hnd! negra ka kc.
hahaha,,
From Darkwolf
anu ang pinag kaiba ng sona ay fairy tale???
sagot: yung fairy tale, ay kwentong may dwende na di totoo
ang sona (State Of the Nation Address) ay, may dwendeng nag kwekewnto ng di totoo.
matatalino lang makaka gets nito ^_^V
From Darkwolf:
araw-araw, sumasakay aq ng bus papunta sa school
at nung minsan na may naka tabi akong babae
na maputi,maganda,mahaba buhok,maganda pumorma
at sobrang sexy
kaya lang,
mejo may ka supladahan sha
na mejo masungit din kumbaga susyalan ang ugali,
at nung malapit na shang bumaba,
sabi nya :
Manong can you help me with my bagage
sabi naman nung kundoktor:
alin po d2 ma`am?
sumagot yung babae sabi nya,
yan manong oh that bayong over there oh and that sako..
XD awtz turn off
From Clown:
1.Pumasok si erap sa isang Japanese Restaurant..
Employee: Welcome sir.. may i take your order?
ERAP: ahh.. bigyan mu nga ko ng isang TAKEHOME..
Employee: uhh sir Take home po basa jan...
2.
Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer ko!
Man: Bakit?
Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor!
3.
GMA: I'm planning to stop POVERTY & MASS STARVATION.
ERAP: alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin. Pero ang
Masturbation, aba... Human rights violation yan!
4.Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung
hinog na.
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinogna.
Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.
5.Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.
Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!
PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila?
Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!
From Keen:
ERAP JOKES
LOVE CODE
Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love messages tulad ng:
ITALY - I truly adore and love you
SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are
Para lalong bumilib ang kanyang nililigawan, sinikap niyang gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit and alphabet:
ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don't Ever forget
GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very Well
Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and natitira...XYZ.
Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras, napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago sinulat ang:
XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!
FRIES
Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries" order ni FVR sa ingles.
"And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.
"The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too" sagot ni Erap.
GROUP
Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?
Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!
Di anser is "asociation"
BRIDGE
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister. "Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din,
"Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"
ANONG GATAS?
"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo. "Ano yata Lactacyd."
ALLEGATIONS
In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit):
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.
The most intelligent "presidentiable" Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos.
BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.
Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.
Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net.
Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.
Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....
SAVE
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad.
Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them.
The executioner starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,...."
FVR shouts, "Flood!" In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earthquake!" The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Erap shouted: "Fire!"
ERAP IN LIBRARY |
"What time does the library open?"
Erap on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M. " came the reply.
"And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed sadly. "I want to get out!"
IN LABOR
One particular day many years ago, Erap's wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma'am!
Teacher: Very good. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
EYE TESTING
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light (as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......
WA CLASS
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: "Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?"
Erap: "I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako."
SUNOG
Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming PSG para makalabas.
"Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.
"Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?
Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.
KAMUKHA DAW
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.
THE WIFE
Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap, "haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."
CEASEFIRE
ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tang na! Tuloy ang giyera.
AIR PRESSURE
Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano.
Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess. "Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.
PASALOAD
ERAP: Loi, pasahan mo nga ako ng 2 my importante lang akong itetext.
LOI: (P2 send)
ERAP: (message received) OK!! got it thanks!
LOI: Tanga! wag ka ng magreply, Sayang!!
ERAP: ok!
INFORMATION
Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).
Logic Lang Iyan
One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic.
Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro.
Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan.
Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Ramos ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, eh di lalakeng - lalaki ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng - lalaki ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kita mo na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!
The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate. . .
Erap : Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos.
Maceda : Sige nga!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Maceda : Wala.
Erap : BAKLA! BAKLA! BAKLA!
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip
ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!
Anak: nay!!! my mens na ko!
Nay: ano kulay...aber?
Anak: dark brown nay!
Nay: lintik na bata to!!!! LBM yan!!! hala..maghugas ka na ng pwet! Ambisyosong BAKLA to!!!!
ANAK: Dad! naka-experience na ko ng blowjob! yahoo!!!!
DAD: wow! anak!...binata ka na!!!anong feeling?
ANAK: ang sakit po sa panga!!!!
Bawat luha ay mahalaga kaya siguraduhin mong bawat pagluha ay sa karapat-dapat na tao dahil ang luha kapag tumulo ay hindi na maibabalik sa mata, hindi tulad ng uhog na pwedeng masinghot pa..
WARNING MGA CORNY JOKE PO TOH
joke 1:
Magsasaka:Hayop ka!! ginawa mo lng ako tagatingin sa farm mo....di na nga tumaas ung sahod ko eh.....pag namatay ako cnu mag papakain ng pamilya ko?ikaw?
Amo: Speak in English..baka taasan ko sahod mo
Magsasaka:Animal u!!u made me manman in the farm...my salary did not climb...if i die who will eat my family?you?
joke 2: Contains bad words(tagalog bad words) PG13
Anak-A
tatay-T
T:Anak bilan mo nga ako ng softdrinks
A:Coke o Pepsi
T:Coke
A:Sakto o 1.5
T:Sakto
A:Malamig o hindi
T:Malamig
A:Plastic o can
T:Punyeta Tubig na nga lng
A:Mineral o hindi
T:Papatayin kita
A:sasaksakin o babarilin
T:sasaksakin
A:sa pwet o sa leeg
T:hayop
A:baka o baboy
T:peste
A:daga o ipis
T:tarantado
A:ako o ikaw
Joke 3:
Nagkaroon ng trouble ang airplane at magka-crash landing kaya't sabi ng piloto "Fasten your seat belt".
Isang babae nag-panic at nagsisigaw, "Ako'y babae, nais kong maranasan ang dapat maranasan ng isang babae bago bumagsak ang eroplanong ito! Mayroon ba sa iyong magpapatunay na ako'y babae?"
Tingin ang mga kelot at kinilatis ang babae. Medyo may edad at medyo di maganda. Walang nag-volunteer.
Sigaw ng babae: "Maawa na kayo, patunayan ninyong ako'y babae!"
"Ako!" sigaw ng isang pogi, malaki at bato-batong lalake habang ina-alis niya ang butones ng kanyang polo.
Nanginig ang babae habang lumalapit ang kelot sa kanya.
Tahimik ang lahat...
Matapos mahubad ng lalake ang kanyang pantaas ay nagsalita ito, "Babae, ito damit ko labhan mo!"
Joke 4
1. may sa2bihin sana q sau…..bsahain m muna number 5
2. nagma2daLi k b?! read number 8
3.cUrious k nOh? read number 9
4.uu na..maLa2man m n sa su2nod....u betta read number 15
5.sandali lng.....just read number 17
6.gus2 q n tLgang sabihin sau..but u should read number 16
7.sa2bihin q na...perO bsahin m muna number 2
8.simpLe Lng tOh...just read number 4
9.oo n e2 na..wag knang kbahan..jus read number 18
10.di pA.....but read number 19
11.napa2god k n b? relax...just read number 13
12.tuLad ng cnasabi q.....read number 3
13.malap8 n tlga....read number 20
14. Just dropped by 2 say HI THERE, comment nman.=] x
15.knakabahan k n ata eE....just read number 6
16.d m pb aLam? just read number 12
17.nkuh.,kainis nman....read number 7
18.pEro di cu lam kng maiintndhan m sa2bihin q e....just read number 10
19. basahin m n number 11...slowly...and u'll find out
20.sa2bihin q n nga....read number 14...☺
Joke 5
PaRa Sa MGa NaGBabaGang
BaLIta.......
NgaYOn NASuSuNog Na!!!!!
*dalawang kalbo,nag-sabunutan.
* Capt. Hook dumaan sa Quiapo,
pinirata!!
* Palaisdaan, nasunog!!
* Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!!
* Bakla sumali sa away, napasubo!!
* Unanong madre, napagkamalang
penguin!!
* Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ang
paningin!!
* Iceman nanood ng porno, nag-init!!
* Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!!
* Teacher nagkamali, tinuruan ng
leksyon!!
* Lolo naakusahang nang-rape, pero sa
korte....biktima ayaw tumayo!!
* Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng
pasahero namatay
sabi
ng mga survivor!!
* Basurero nagsampa ng kaso,
binasura!!
* Dahil may reklamo, eskwelahan ng
mga bingi
nag-noise barrage!!
* Tubero, nagka-tulo!!
* Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo,
inaalam pa
kung buhay!!
* Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw
paniwalaan!!
* Misis ng photographer, nakunan!!
* Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!!
* Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!
From jempril
boy: chocolate kba?
girl: iiihhh,banat ba yan?
boy: hnd! negra ka kc.
hahaha,,
From Darkwolf
anu ang pinag kaiba ng sona ay fairy tale???
sagot: yung fairy tale, ay kwentong may dwende na di totoo
ang sona (State Of the Nation Address) ay, may dwendeng nag kwekewnto ng di totoo.
matatalino lang makaka gets nito ^_^V
From Darkwolf:
araw-araw, sumasakay aq ng bus papunta sa school
at nung minsan na may naka tabi akong babae
na maputi,maganda,mahaba buhok,maganda pumorma
at sobrang sexy
kaya lang,
mejo may ka supladahan sha
na mejo masungit din kumbaga susyalan ang ugali,
at nung malapit na shang bumaba,
sabi nya :
Manong can you help me with my bagage
sabi naman nung kundoktor:
alin po d2 ma`am?
sumagot yung babae sabi nya,
yan manong oh that bayong over there oh and that sako..
XD awtz turn off
From Clown:
1.Pumasok si erap sa isang Japanese Restaurant..
Employee: Welcome sir.. may i take your order?
ERAP: ahh.. bigyan mu nga ko ng isang TAKEHOME..
Employee: uhh sir Take home po basa jan...
2.
Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer ko!
Man: Bakit?
Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor!
3.
GMA: I'm planning to stop POVERTY & MASS STARVATION.
ERAP: alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin. Pero ang
Masturbation, aba... Human rights violation yan!
4.Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung
hinog na.
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinogna.
Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.
5.Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.
Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!
PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila?
Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!
From Keen:
ERAP JOKES
LOVE CODE
Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love messages tulad ng:
ITALY - I truly adore and love you
SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are
Para lalong bumilib ang kanyang nililigawan, sinikap niyang gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit and alphabet:
ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don't Ever forget
GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very Well
Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and natitira...XYZ.
Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras, napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago sinulat ang:
XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!
FRIES
Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries" order ni FVR sa ingles.
"And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.
"The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too" sagot ni Erap.
GROUP
Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?
Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!
Di anser is "asociation"
BRIDGE
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister. "Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din,
"Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"
ANONG GATAS?
"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo. "Ano yata Lactacyd."
ALLEGATIONS
In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit):
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.
The most intelligent "presidentiable" Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos.
BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.
Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.
Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net.
Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.
Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....
SAVE
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad.
Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them.
The executioner starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,...."
FVR shouts, "Flood!" In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earthquake!" The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Erap shouted: "Fire!"
ERAP IN LIBRARY |
"What time does the library open?"
Erap on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M. " came the reply.
"And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed sadly. "I want to get out!"
IN LABOR
One particular day many years ago, Erap's wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma'am!
Teacher: Very good. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
EYE TESTING
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light (as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......
WA CLASS
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: "Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?"
Erap: "I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako."
SUNOG
Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming PSG para makalabas.
"Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.
"Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?
Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.
KAMUKHA DAW
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.
THE WIFE
Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap, "haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."
CEASEFIRE
ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tang na! Tuloy ang giyera.
AIR PRESSURE
Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano.
Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess. "Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.
PASALOAD
ERAP: Loi, pasahan mo nga ako ng 2 my importante lang akong itetext.
LOI: (P2 send)
ERAP: (message received) OK!! got it thanks!
LOI: Tanga! wag ka ng magreply, Sayang!!
ERAP: ok!
INFORMATION
Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).
Logic Lang Iyan
One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic.
Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro.
Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan.
Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Ramos ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, eh di lalakeng - lalaki ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng - lalaki ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kita mo na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!
The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate. . .
Erap : Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos.
Maceda : Sige nga!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Maceda : Wala.
Erap : BAKLA! BAKLA! BAKLA!
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip
ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!
Anak: nay!!! my mens na ko!
Nay: ano kulay...aber?
Anak: dark brown nay!
Nay: lintik na bata to!!!! LBM yan!!! hala..maghugas ka na ng pwet! Ambisyosong BAKLA to!!!!
ANAK: Dad! naka-experience na ko ng blowjob! yahoo!!!!
DAD: wow! anak!...binata ka na!!!anong feeling?
ANAK: ang sakit po sa panga!!!!
Bawat luha ay mahalaga kaya siguraduhin mong bawat pagluha ay sa karapat-dapat na tao dahil ang luha kapag tumulo ay hindi na maibabalik sa mata, hindi tulad ng uhog na pwedeng masinghot pa..
Last edited by Sasuke on Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:40 pm; edited 4 times in total
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